Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
so much to do
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?