What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
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“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.