ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Doggies just call it style.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.