“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
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Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth