Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
concern
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!