“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
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[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Smile they said.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”