Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.