Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I’m giving up for Lent.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
what’s more important?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Cool shirt 🙂
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
british sex workers really pound for pound
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?