Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
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I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Don’t take drugs… for granted.