me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
You Might Also Like
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
nice challenge
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”