I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps