[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
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This kid will have a bright future.
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*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Called it
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[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.