Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
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[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
This makes total sense…
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
A wise man once said nothing.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard