*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
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me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.