I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
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I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.