Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
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I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Happy Taco Tuesday
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.