[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Well, this explains it:
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
A roof is a house hat.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it