[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
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Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I didn’t come here to be called names
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
#MeanwhileInCanada
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Don’t make me out nice you.