[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
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“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Nice try, NASA
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.