People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
If you know, you know
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.