But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
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I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don鈥檛 do this.
Me: I didn鈥檛 make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I鈥檓 married to a dad.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I鈥檓 on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I鈥檇 be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I鈥橫 SO FUNNY!
Little Red: I鈥檓 going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”