*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram