Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm