oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!