oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are