HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
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me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
im all 3
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
The USS B port
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*