If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Finally, an instrument I can play!
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Thinking about Jeff
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave