I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to