I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
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*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.