Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
You Might Also Like
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
umm…
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*