They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
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[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
how do y’all walk in shallow water
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*