My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.