Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[at the general store]
me: one general please
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory