“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
You Might Also Like
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Should I call tech support or pray or what
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?