I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.