ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?