ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
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I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.