I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
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Breaking news:
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.