Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
You Might Also Like
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.