Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
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this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
(by @ZachWeiner )
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?