Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
You Might Also Like
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures