It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
We’ve all been there
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.