date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
They did not think through this water fountain
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking