Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.