Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
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interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.