interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
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I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.