LMAO.
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My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies