I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
this is the greatest thing ever
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Risking my life for fun.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Still my favourite meme.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .