I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
yeah not falling for this one
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.