Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.