Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots