If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.